in & out like the wind

The comments I receive on my blog always catch my attention, whether they are messaged to me privately, spoken face to face, or written publicly. Sometimes I second guess what I write. If my spirits are low, & my blog reflects how I'm feeling,  I feel guilty. Bogging has become my hobby. I sometimes write simply because I have nothing else to do.

My goal is to be truthful. The truth will set you free has proven itself  many times over in my life. Today, a friend said she liked the blog about how I missed my hair. She thought it showed my human side. Sometimes my human side is too sensitive to share. The depression I am struggling with makes me feel bad about myself.

It's hard to describe this sadness. I don't feel sorry for myself (at least not most days). I am still undone about what makes my case so complicated. When I replay that last appointment in my head, I begin to get that surreal feeling again. Maybe it's just too painful to hear those things about yourself or your loved one.

I don't know why I am sad. I trust that God has the whole picture, & I never feel forsaken. I am not lonely. My family/friends lift my spirits more than I deserve. I honestly believe I am one of the most blessed people I know. I'm all about relationships, & I am at peace with that aspect of my life.

As I go through this checklist of what makes me tick, I cannot find a specific reason to be sad. Perhaps it is waiting on my radiation & an opportunity to talk to my radiology oncologist. Perhaps it is the loss of my sweet kitty, my little couch companion. Maybe something else is eating at me, & I just can't put my finger on it.

I have gone through some rough times in my life. I have witnessed my dad recovering from a severe head injury only to die of cancer. I have nursed my daughter through what is thought to be the most painful surgery known to man.  I have been emotionally wounded by another person to the depths of my heart. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life. Truth is... I've never known a day without it.

Sadness has never had an enduring place in my heart. I am not used to this lasting feeling that blows in & out like the wind. Just when I think I've recovered, it comes back to haunt me. It doesn't always move me to tears or keep me from interacting. It just makes itself at home at its own will or whim.  It doesn't seek my permission or ask for my approval. It doesn't sense not being welcomed as it sets up camp as if it were invited.

I'd like to say that in time I will overcome this new resident. Maybe I will just have to learn to live with my new companion. Perhaps there's a lesson to be learned, a new empathy to be gained. Cancer is not a diagnosis you prepare to receive. One day you are fine, & the next day, your life is at stake. The rug has been ripped out from under you, & you are standing on new ground.