Sunday, March 4, 2012

straight up...

This evening we have had peaceful pretty snow.  In just 2 days, the expected temperature is 60 degrees. The weather reminds me of my emotions. I am trying to adjust to my ever-changing feelings. I don't really recall a time in my life with such an unstable temperament. My tears have run freely over the last few days.  When sad news comes my way, I don't handle it easily. I have always been a softie, but I think I am a new me.

Truth is... that's okay. I wouldn't want to walk this journey & remain unchanged. I have friends who have survived cancer & say they miss how it forced them to depend on God while they were in the early days. I like depending on God, & I hope (as I heal), I don't give that up. I think my journey will have been in vain if my faith diminishes.

Having cancer strips you of your earthly securities, but it also empowers you to make some fresh starts. After all, your perspective is new, & living your old life doesn't really work in these new circumstances. My uncertainties truly are not greater than they once were or different from anybody else. The difference is... I have come face to face with them.

I remember the day I asked one of my doctors her opinion on my course of treatment. Her response was, "If I had something as bad as you, I would do all I could to fight it." She leveled my playing field quickly. She made me realize that my recourse had to be straight up do whatever gives me the best survival rate. That realization simplified my life & my decisions.

As I always tell young people when they seek my guidance in the decisions of their lives, I don't have a crystal ball. I can't see the future, but I know God can. I believe He has some exciting things in store for me. I'm kind of tickled to see how the new me will handle the excitement. I am almost giddy about embarking on this next leg of my journey.

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