Tuesday, May 15, 2012

haunted

Ouch! This radiation is literally burning a hole under my arm. It's so red & sore & somewhat scary looking! I have at least 4 more treatments to go, possibly with a boost (which means an additional 5). I am determined to do ALL of them! I want the peace of knowing, I did my part, everything I could possibly do.

Once you receive a diagnosis, you backtrack. You wonder what you would do differently in your life if you had a do over. What were my vices, & how did they contribute to my cancer? Yes, it's water under the bridge, & you don't have a do over. It is what it is.... but still, you just can't help but wonder. I have a few things that haunt me.

I remember on our vacation last July (a month before my diagnosis) noticing a slight change that should have triggered me to see a doctor. However, I simply never thought anything of it. I also remember something more significant, but it immediately went away. It was a color change. Since it quickly returned to normal, I figured it was nothing. This happened sometime between my vacation & my diagnosis. I know I was in my own bathroom, looking in my own mirror.

As I've mentioned before, my husband actually found my lump. He kissed me good night & laid his hand on my heart. He knew what he felt wasn't there the day before. At least... it wasn't palpable. I'm sure of that. However, it recently occurred to me that there was another lump I should have felt, the one under my arm, that now bears a burning hole from radiation. It is the spot where I believe my swollen & cancerous lymph node resided. Why didn't I notice that?

Also, in truth, I was an artificial sweetener addict. I drank an embarrassing amount of diet soda, & I annoyingly chewed an embarrassing amount of sugarless gum. Since my diagnosis, I have let go of both of these addictions. We'll never know if there is a connection between these ridiculous habits & my cancer. However, research shows that even though there is no proven connection, the excess artificial sweetened could have fostered the growth of my fast growing cancer. I will never know.

To state the obvious: if I had a do over, I would have taken note of my few clues, & I would not have overindulged in my vices. Yes... it's too late for that! But maybe, my ignorance can help another soul. And there is one last  little issue concerning a choice I made in the order of how I did things. If I had known one thing, I might have done things a little bit differently which would have allowed me to reap the full benefits of a major treatment. Again, too late.

It is what it is... & I'm truly okay with that. If God can use my story to bring one soul closer to His presence, if another life can be saved because of something I have suffered, I'm good with that. If one person takes a brief moment to notice something they've missed & seek help, I'm grateful. If one person gives up a vice to save their own life, I'm relieved. Simply put, if one person ponders their eternal value, & gives their life to Christ, I'm humbled to trade my earthy life for his eternal life.

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