Weird

The other side of the coin is a different place to be. I used to be the one who was there for others, & now I'm not.  They are there for me. It's certainly different to be the recipient rather than the giver. This seems to be the case in all of my relationships. I feel as though I do very little for others. I miss the privilege I once had of being there for my loved ones & friends, & even people I hardly knew.

Today, my friend & I ran into someone who called me a celebrity. I was shocked because I've never seen myself in this light. I then had to ponder the fact that my my fame (so to speak) has come through having cancer. Wow! What a way to achieve celebrity status (if that's really the case).  When this journey began, I knew from the start that I hoped God would use my journey to reach others. I'm sure I didn't know what that entailed, & I still don't.  Being known for having cancer is strange because sometimes it is still surreal. I know that seems ridiculous. How could it be surreal when I actually feel the pain both physically & emotionally?

Another odd fact is that I've spent most of my life trying to be a wall flower. When I lead a little girl's group at church, I did all I could to steer clear of being infront of the church. Growing up, I had anxiety, & honestly, my whole body shook when I was nervous or had to do something in the public eye. As a young adult, I found it difficult to even voice my opinion in a Sunday School class. At my husband's work parties, I did my best to blend in with the crowd. The last thing I ever wanted to be was noticed.

When I became a youth leader, God changed all of this. He convicted me with so much passion that I was able to speak up for His calling & do whatever it took to follow through with my convictions. This was a new place for me. It was exciting & fun. I loved being used in this way, & I have very few regrets. I loved hearing from God & seeing Him move. It was my honor to serve in this way. So many days I was in over my head, & He always provided for me. He gave me the words, the help, the ideas, the guts, the worship leader... whatever I needed, He never let me down.

So today as I was talking to my sweet friend who took me to my appointment, I realized that I can still say the same. Specifically, over the last 3 weeks, my needs have been great, & my return, very low. I don't think I've done anything for anyone for 3 whole weeks. I've been in survival mode. I can feel myself edging back to humanity. There is light at the end of my long, dark tunnel. The point is... in my need, God has provided (even before I knew I had a need).

I learned today how He laid it specifically on my friend's heart to help me, long before radiation began. My radiation was delayed 3 long weeks. I now know it was so my youngest daughter could be here to carry me through the hardest days. Again, I am in awe of how much my God cares about my daily needs. Yes... He's allowed me to suffer, but He hasn't left me to do it on my own. He's provided for my every need. When I've cried out to Him, he's answered before the words were even formed on my tongue.