Wednesday, May 16, 2012

pain & fear

Three, two, one... finish! That's the number of sessions left in my full blown radiation treatments. I may have an additional five (called a boost), but that depends on my skin & the doctor's decision. Yesterday was a particularly hard day for me. Pain & fear describe it in the nutshell. Pain from the terrible sore under my arm & fear that it was becoming infected. It is literally a weeping wound, & causing me to weep. Even though my survivor friends were spared this agony, I kind of sensed from the beginning that it would be my lot. I think in his own sweet way, the radiologist oncologist tried to prepare me. It's not like I haven't been spared other difficulties my friends have faced. I have been spared much. Cancer is sort of a mixed bag of treatments & side effects; a medical roulette if you will.

The good news is that with each day, I am closer to being done. The bad news is that with each day, my skin is further insulted, & it will be probably 3 to 4 weeks before it recovers. So... I think I must switch gears to endure the pain & get to the end. This afternoon, I took my first heavy duty pain medication since my surgery. So far, no ill effects. Pain medication scares me. It frequently makes me ill. If that turns out to be the case, I would rather endure the pain than feel ill.

As for my activity level, it has taken me back to my couch & being a potato. My main goal is to get air to my wound. At least I am comforted in my own home by the company of my animals. It's been a Godsend to have my youngest daughter home for a month. She makes me smile & is very caring. It's amazing how pain & fear work together to beat down both your physical & emotional state.

Today's daily Bible verse again seems tailor made to my circumstances: "And the God of all  grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you & make you strong, firm  & steadfast." (1Peter 5:10)

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