sad. sad. sad.

Today is filled with sadness. I was at The Cancer Center this morning getting my Herceptin treatment when I ran into a longtime friend. Her mother is on a difficult road, & it breaks my heart. When my oldest was little, she & her mother babysat for me & filled in as I had no family in the area. They doted on my children & bought them pink bunny Easter baskets & other sweet things. They were such a blessing to me at a vulnerable time in my life. I don't think this family is capable of anything but kindness.

As I was leaving, I ran into a dear friend whose father is now on a difficult journey. Again, my heart breaks. The diagnosis is fresh, & the uncertainties great. So much to process. So many decisions. I remember that awful feeling, like your heart has literally had a piece ripped from it. The ache is indescribable, & it doesn't go away.

I think having cancer sometimes makes hearing other's diagnoses even harder to bear. You know the walk all too well. You are still run down & going through your own difficulties, & the memories are so fresh. You feel helpless again. It makes you angry again at this terrible disease. The treatments are as bad, if not worse than the illness. Living with the unknown is one of the hardest parts of this journey. Being terrorized by a foreign growth in you own body is your new reality. The only way out is to trust in the hope which comes from Christ alone.

I know that cancer cannot shatter your hope. Some days that's all you have. It cannot take away your faith. It has deepened mine. It does not lessen your love. Mine has grown. It cannot destroy your friendships, but it can strain them. It cannot conquer your spirit, but it can take you to the bottom of your barrel. It can make your perspective more eternal. It can make you realize that your home on earth is temporary.

I am heartbroken for my dear friends. I am angry at cancer. I am beside myself with grief. I feel helpless. I will lift these precious souls up daily in prayer. I will think about them often. I will shed tears for them & their loved ones. My hope for myself & my loved ones is not so much in being healed this side of Heaven. My hope is in the Lord, in Him alone. Heaven is my only guarantee in life, & it is only because He is my Savior.

I cannot count on a cure. I cannot count on healing. Only because I have trusted in Christ do I know that one day, I will have no more suffering, no more tears. My life on this earth is a mere vapor, but my soul is eternal, & one day.... my fears, my worries, my tears, my suffering, my sin, my heartache will be no more. There is an end to this misery, & if we trust in Christ, we can count on it.