making sense of it all...

This morning's Daily Bible verse's commentary: It is the pain that we suffer in this life that uniquely qualifies us to speak to others (David Whitehead). He is talking about the Apostle Paul & how his suffering equipped him to minister to others. In truth, many ministries grow out of sorrow. Sometimes the only good that seems to come from suffering is how God uses it to minister to others.

As I was positioned on the radiation bed this morning, I recalled my early morning devotion. I have only 3 days left. However, the pain will increase for a week from the finish, & the skin will continue it's break down. I feel like a knife is permanently embedded under my arm. Last night, I didn't think I could bear another day.

I got home from my weekend, & suddenly my pain reached a new level. I didn't think I would be able to sleep or undergo any more treatments. To my surprise, I did sleep (all night). When I awoke, the pain was still there, but I think my body had adjusted to it. A new thought entered my head: Even though the pain worsens every day, I am one day closer to healing. 

I am ready for the countdown. The boost (a 4 day treatment) actually takes longer than my previous treatments. For some strange reason, I had it in my head it would take less time. Stretching out my arm hurts. Being repositioned hurts. Having wet rags placed over my wound hurts. Nothing helps, except, perhaps... the pain medicine takes the edge off.

I went quickly to prayer as the radiation begun... Dear God,  If you can use my pain, please do. If I must hurt so that someone else might be reached for you, I will. If somehow this pain & suffering qualifies me to speak to others, give me the words. If the uncertainty of my circumstances makes me a vessel, then I can do this.


That's all I've got. I'm still shocked that this is my story. If I just live it out & don't dwell on the fact that it's me, I do better. When I come face to face with the fact that I have breast cancer & consider the details of my treatment, especially now, I scare myself. I don't know why I can't seem to move past the surreality of it all. People all around me are hurting. Why not me?