This blog is difficult for me to write this morning because it involves me sharing something extremely personal: pain. I don't like to share about my pain. I don't know why; I just don't like asking people to feel sorry for me. It's very personal, & it's hard for me. It just is...
Yesterday was a beautiful day, filled with enough emotion to last a life time. I did The Race with my family & friends, & as I mentioned in an earlier blog, my heart was overflowing with gratitude. The Race occurred at a well orchestrated time in my journey. I have about 2 more weeks of radiation. It's been one of the most difficult segments of my journey, but the countdown is on. However, the pain is increasing. Last night when I went to bed, I felt as though my body was going to go into shock from the burning pain in my left underarm caused by the radiation. My skin is red & raw. Right now this painful area is about the size of a silver dollar. Each day, it grows in size & deepens in color.
It's in a difficult area to soothe because nothing stays in place very well. I have some cool gel packs which bring relief for short periods of time. Pain reliever is supposed to take the edge off; it's debatable. Pain is no stranger to me. It has been a part of my life for the last 10 years (when I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis). I just try not to dwell on it. However, I know it's symptoms, & I know my boiling point.
Last night I went to sleep with tears in my eyes. I had cool gel packs on my skin. My husband rubbed my head as he prayed for me. I was beaten. He awakened me early this morning from a night mare & told me I was okay. In my dream I was being attacked, & I was thankful to have my loving husband rescue me from my horrors. As he went back to sleep, I began to remember my dream...
A friend from my childhood (a retired police officer) had come to exercise at a health club. On the way down the hall, he told me twice he didn't know why he was there, but he just knew he was supposed to come. As we were walking through some doors, a man was hiding in the doorway & began attacking me. My friend (the retired police officer) was there for a reason, to protect me. God put him there to protect me.
I mulled this over in my head. I believe God wants me to know that He is protecting me, even through my pain. I am overcome once again that I worship a God who cares enough to send me a special dream. As this message began to permeate my very being, yet another tailor made treasure came my way. I read my Daily Bible Verse: "Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul & body with grief" (Psalm 31:9).
David Whitehead, who authors the commentary wrote the following: The Psalmist reminds us to be fully aware of the things that are going on in our soul. To try to act like we are happy when we are filled with pain is not only unhealthy... it's unbiblical! Don't let the pressure of optimism force you to deny your pain.; the Bible calls us to confront our feelings, then take those feelings to Jesus. When we are honest with ourselves, we are in the place to be honest with God.
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