Wednesday, May 23, 2012

How in the world can suffering bring you closer to God?

How in the world can suffering bring you closer to God? It's hard enough for a person who has no relationship with Christ to understand, but I never got it myself until recently. If you ever have the time & the guts, sit down & make a timeline of your life. Plot out the significant events (both good & bad). As you evaluate your life, you will see that you have become who you are through your trying times.

Of course, we would all love to be spared suffering. Usually, that is our prayer. We want to be healed, the sooner the better. We don't want our loved ones to suffer. It is especially unbearable when it is our child, our spouse, our parent, or our sibling. What we do with our suffering makes all the difference in the world. Not too long ago, I realized that we have a choice in how we react to our suffering. I'm sure my suffering has not peaked & that it pales in comparison to others'. I'm also sure I have suffered.

Prior to my journey with cancer, I think I assumed that when we suffer, we do just that... we suffer (& nothing else). As of late, my suffering has an added dimension. I have found that this new dimension is effective in healing every aspect of my being. I've always believed that God is omnipresent (always present). To me, this means... I always have access to Him. What I didn't fully understand was being utterly alone, in pain, overcome with sad thoughts, & turning fully to Him, not because He is my only resort, but because He is my choice.

I don't mean to scare anyone who reads my blog that will one day have radiation. What's happened to me, happens. It's not abnormal for radiation, but it is not the norm either. I think my stars had to be properly aligned (if you know what I mean). It's the result of the angles of the radiation, the closeness of the rays skimming across my skin, the susceptibility of my skin to the rays, the location of my tumor, etc. I know many people who have endured radiation with much less ado than myself.

10 years ago, I began a journey with Ulcerative Colitis. It's onset was traumatic & extremely painful. Back then, I suffered differently. I prayed for healing. Even though Paul & other writers of the Bible wrote about suffering with gratefulness, I never understood & could never bring myself to ask
God "to bring the rain." I grasped that God was with me as I suffered, but I was unable to fathom the part that He actually blessed us in & through our suffering.

I'll be honest... I'm still not selfless enough to ask God to cause me to suffer so I can grow closer to Him. I think that takes maturity I don't possess. However, I can deeply thank God for my suffering, & what He has taken time to personally reveal to me. I am grateful for this new depth in my relationship with Him & the truths I can claim. Tomorrow, when I lie down on the radiation table one last time, I hope I will begin my last treatment with thankfulness...

As the technicians add one last insult to my burned & blistered skin... as I stretch my arm out & stinging pain runs through my wound & permeates the surrounding area... as they roll my body to position me, & tell me not to tense my sore arm... as I lie alone on a hard table with my head turned to one side stripped of my gown on the other side... as my airway closes from my sore throat, & my nose is stuffed... as my wound drips with ooze... as they remind me to air it out (which is all I do when I am home)... as I close this door, I hope I will keep close the treasures God has given me.


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