no stats

Today a dear friend asked me what I would like to change with my life. Honestly, I was a little caught off guard. I guess the obvious answer would be that I could go back to July & never have this diagnosis. One of my dear survivor friends is fighting this battle & in the hospital right now with complications. My heart is heavy for her. Another friend is trying to help her father. He's just begun with Hospice Care. His health is declining, & the weight on his shoulders seems so heavy.

This evening as we ate dinner, I was catching my husband up on my sorrows. Cancer is an awful disease, & I wish my sweet friends could be spared their suffering. I have actually come to a peaceful spot that has lasted about 2 weeks. That's a record for the last 9 months. My emotions seem a bit more stable. I don't know why other than the fact that my joy is based on the truth, & I don't believe it will be stripped away from me as it was when I began radiation.

Yes, I'm sure I will crash again, especially if I receive unexpected news, but for now, I know my prognosis, & I simply believe I am in God's hands. I've always felt His loving arms around me, but my reality has caused me some pain. When I met my radiology oncologist, I lost my hope. I realized that my hope was not based on trusting God, but on some statistics & a diagnosis I misunderstood. The truth was hard to hear, but now I am so thankful I know the truth. It has allowed me to trust in God & not in my prognosis.

The main thing my radiology oncologist taught me was that we don't really have statistics for my case. I had my chemo first (adjuvant) before surgery, & we will never know if it was in more than one lymph node. Also, because adjuvant chemo therapy is a fairly new order of treatment, there really aren't finished studies available. I told my friend today that I think I am better off not knowing exactly where I stand. It's easier to place my trust in my Heavenly Father than in statistics. After all, He's bigger than the stats & has the real say. I no longer have a prognosis that can be ripped out from under me.

So... I've spent the day processing my friend's question. I'm so glad she asked me this question because it's made me realize something I didn't know... I love my life, & I love where this cancer has placed me in relationship to God. This leg of my journey has been very trying. I've had to limit my final vice, caffeine, in hopes of preventing lymphedema. Lying on a radiation table for 25 minutes each day takes restraint. I pray through it, but it never fails, I get an itch I can't scratch. I love my doctor because he was honest with me. I have suffered emotionally through all of this, but I can already sense growth in my suffering.

If I could undo my cancer to spare my family, I would. But, since I cannot, I am going to trust in God that through my suffering, He will build their faith as He has mine. If I could take this cup from them, I would. Lastly, there is a well known list of things that cancer cannot take from a person. Lately, I have been overcome with joy because I have realized that cancer cannot strip me of my love for people. I have not lost my compassion for others, & for that, I am grateful.