Friday, June 8, 2012

I don't know.

One of my besties & I spent the day together today. It was a much needed day as we haven't been able to catch up in over a month. We were having such a nice day, sitting outside eating our lunch, when all of the sudden, my waterworks started to flow. She was asking me about my treatments & what lies ahead for me. I don't really know. I'm not sure I want to know...

I was sharing with her some of my woes, & I think telling her about my last month was too much for me to relive. I'm still tender both physically & emotionally. I did not expect to fall apart today, & doing so was not my intent. Of course, she didn't mind. She said over & over that I never need to apologize for my tears.

I told her how radiation caused me to reevaluate my situation & how hard it was for me to come to grips with the unknown. On my way home today, I decided that perhaps some of my grieving has been delayed because I saw things differently after my radiation. Also, radiation was so hard on me, I felt like part of my spirit died. I lost hope. I'm doing better, but I obviously still have a ways to go.

My youngest is in flight to South Africa. Maybe that caused me to have an emotional day. I don't know. I got to talk to her while she was between flights in Atlanta Airport. She sounded good, & we had a sweet conversation. I found it hard to hang up my phone. She humored me with a kiss over the phone. I don't know why this makes me so happy.

I was also telling my friend how every where I turn, I am reminded of my cancer. On the news this week, 5 things were listed that increase ones rate of recurrence. It's so hard to be watching the news & realizing the reporters are talking about you. I still haven't gotten used to processing news specifically about breast cancer. It's a frequent occurrence.

The best part of today was chillin with my husband. Nothing exciting, just sweet comfort. He asked me about my upcoming appointments & is taking time off to accompany me to some of them (the ones we feel his presence would be beneficial). I was touched by his willingness to rearrange his work schedule for me, & grateful too.

I'm reading a book (as I've mentioned in an earlier blog), & it's about hope. I believe the timeliness of this book in my life is orchestrated by my Heavenly Father. It's not the first time He's placed a book in my hands at just the right moment. The author writes about how God loves us enough to let us doubt Him. She even sites scripture to support her thoughts. I shall close this blog with a quote, "How can we develop courage without being afraid? How can we develop perseverance without being weary? How can we become merciful without being wronged? And how can we come to trust everything to God's steadfast love unless it seems our very lives depend on it?" (June Hunt, Hope for your Heart)


I don't know why I have cancer. I don't know why my cancer's characteristics have to be so grim. However, I am sure cancer has given me the opportunity to develop my courage. It has taught me the meaning of perseverance. I don't feel wronged; I'm just in shock. Lastly, my life does depend on trust, & I believe cancer has given me the ultimate opportunity to grow my trust in God. I don't have to know why. I do need to trust if I wish to persevere & not grow weary. I need to trust so I don't drown in my own pain & sorrow.

2 comments:

  1. I read in spurts. My mom was diagnosed in March with a stage 1 tumor. Is there a best-case-scenario? Her lymph nodes were clear, so two lumpectomies later, she is working through radiation- week 1 complete!

    I think my biggest difficulty with it is that she is 2200 miles away in Oregon. My parents came to Illinois for my son's high school graduation and it haven't told anyone how much I needed to see her in person. She is, of course, the same person.. with or without cancer.

    Suzie, your blog is a challenge for me to read, but a challenge I need to face head-on. For me the descriptions of your physical and emotional pain helps me understand what I may need to see/hear without being in person for my mom. Thank you for your candidness.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dawn, I'll keep you & your mom in my prayers. So sorry for what you are going through & so far away. Sometimes, I hesitate to blog my realities. & I am sorry for the pain it causes you. Please know that what I went through with radiation is not the norm. It hasn't treated many of my friends the way it treated me. Hopefully, your mother will be spared. Also, as a mother of 3 grown daughters, their love has meant so much to me & helped see me through my pain. I am healing now. My emotions are still up & down, but my hope has been restored.

    ReplyDelete