rough waters

So... here I am awake in the middle of the night. A coughing spell woke me up, & now I'm wide awake with so many thoughts running through my mind. Yesterday was a good day. I spent time with a friend & just enjoyed her company immensely. I'd forgotten how exciting it is to build a new friendship. When I was a little girl, I loved making new friends. Wherever we went, my mom said I always found a friend. My family camped a lot, & I had lots of opportunities to meet nice people. Sometimes our friendships would go beyond the campground, & our families would meet up or correspond through mail. I do remember one boy, Jimmy, I had a mad crush on him. He was my square dance partner. Our families continued that friendship through root beer floats.

I don't know if it's a testimony to my age or the fact that I've been a permanent fixture on my couch, but I have spent a significant amount of time lately, reminiscing in my mind. I love to catch myself fixated on an old memory & just enjoy replaying it in my mind. Sometimes, I even make a connection to how a particular memory evolved into something meaningful later in my life or see a trait in myself years ago that God has refined or helped me develop. Our Pastor says that who we are today has everything to do with our past. I think it's important to reach back & examine little tidbits from our childhood.

I remember as a teenager what it was like to see my mom sick. Granted, she just had the stomach flu, & it was Thanksgiving. She did get better. But, I remember this terrible lump in my throat. I couldn't stand to see her suffer. I didn't know what to do with myself. She wasn't supposed to be sick (especially on Thanksgiving). It 's obvious to see where I'm going from here, & how it concerns me to see my loved ones watch me suffer. As I've said before, that's a part of this journey I'd like to erase. Fact is, I've since come to realize that through each trial, God is shaping & pruning my beautiful daughters too. I have to trust Him fully on this, especially since so much of it is out of my hands.

I was telling my friend yesterday that as a child I was very fearful. I remembered certain incidences that left permanent imprints on my heart. In fifth grade, I was stalked on a daily basis, & I believe nearly abducted. I ran as fast as I could & then turned around & ran the opposite direction all the way to school. I was petrified, & I can still feel that same fear in my beating heart today. Even as an 11 year old, I knew I was not alone. I know that now, & I am grateful God has seen fit to grow my confidence in Him. That little faith, that faith of a tiny mustard seed, has become my solid anchor through recent times of fear. It has stilled my rough waters & given me courage to face the next day. Anxiety is my daily companion. Faith is my gift. Because of my faith, I can face my anxieties.