maybe I will have more hair...

I am very tired this morning, but I can't sleep. I awakened at 4:30am when the dog needed out, & I think I've been awake ever since. I've watched two I Love Lucy's & thought about my thoughts. Sounds very unproductive, probably the only alternative would have been much needed sleep. I stopped my pain medication yesterday because I think I can manage without it. However, I think my body is reacting to this change similarly to how it reacted to steroids. Not good.

The good news is I can drive again. That helps me feel a bit more independent & able to function. It's a step in returning to life. It's strange... on Friday's news, I watched a feature on The Cancer Center, truly one of my favorite places. I love The Cancer Center because its staff cares for the whole person. The strange part in seeing the news feature was realizing that even though I wasn't a part of that clip, that was me sitting in one of those chairs, receiving treatment. In fact, I will do just that tomorrow.

When I am there, I see all sorts of people with varying forms of cancer. I never know for sure what most of the patients are facing. Some certainly seem more sick than others. As I watched the news, it made me wonder what others think when they see me, & if I see myself in the same light. I think our minds play tricks on us, & we don't always see ourselves realistically. Yesterday, at a wedding, I had the same thoughts...

It takes courage for me to fight this fight, & sometimes the road is lonely, not because I'm alone, but because my feelings are not easily comforted. Yesterday as I was thinking about the courage it takes to go out in public, especially with such short hair, I then had to wonder if it took courage for my family & friends to go out in public with me. My answer was yes. Healing is evident, but it is a slow, painful process.

Finding out that a loved one died of cancer is such a reminder of life's fragile state. Not only do I grieve for this remarkable woman & her family, I also wonder what will befall me. What complications will I have from these severe treatments? I used to think that my Ulcerative Colitis was a serious condition. For me, it now pales in effect to breast cancer. Yes it robbed me of life for a few years, but eventually my quality of life was restored. I am medicated for it, & it frequently effects my daily life, but it is manageable (at least right now).

Today, my baby daughter begins her travels to Africa. I'm in awe of her, but I will miss her more than ever, after all, she's been my personal care giver for the last month. Last night she kissed me goodnight, & my already sad heart strings were stretched & pulled. I am reminded of the words my middle daughter gave me at the beginning of this journey: Heart of mine own heart, whatever befall, Still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

I found great comfort in these words in the early days of my journey. I think today is a good day to reclaim them. It's a hard day for me but a day I've known would arrive. I will put her in her Father's care, & pray that we will be reunited in August. I will be counting the days. Maybe I will have more hair when I meet her at the airport gate to welcome her home.Yesterday, my middle daughter  unexpectedly whispered  5 of the most precious & significant words into my ear. She said: I'm glad you're my mom.