TMI...

I have a daily conversation in my head: Should I continue blogging? Yes, it's therapeutic for me, but am I beating a dead horse, & would it be better for everyone if I just journaled privately? Selfishly, sometimes I wish I didn't "put it all out there" cause I worry about hurting others' feelings somehow or just being too open, sharing TMI. Then, unselfishly, I go back to the fact that God has convicted me to share this journey, & I just have to trust in Him & let Him use my words to touch the hearts that are meant to be touched. That's all in His hands...

I've had a rough few days, but I've learned that through the rough times come the treasures of life. So... I suppose it makes the rough times all worthwhile (but not any less painful). My most recent lesson learned is this: never go off pain medicine cold turkey. I didn't realize there was a way to do this, so I just did it (in one felt swoop). Consequence:  overflowing tears, hopelessness, chills, nausea, upset stomach. Many of these symptoms I am use to because I live with them daily. However, hopelessness, is not a symptom I've ever experienced to such depth. It scared me.

Because of my other symptoms, I just thought I was still recovering from my radiation, my cold, & my sadness (my daughter leaving for S. Africa & my sweet friend passing away). On the way home from dropping off our youngest who was beginning her travels, I pretty much fell to the bottom of my barrel in every way. I really don't know how my husband deals with his pathetic wife. If he had hair on his head, I think he would have pulled it all out by now. If the shoes were reversed, & I had to watch him in the way he watches me, I would be beside myself. Being a care giver is not for the weak at heart. I don't know how I would weather the storms of seeing my loved one suffer.

Thanks to all who have continued to lift me up in prayer, especially this past month. I could actually feel your prayers on Sunday as I bottomed out & then slowly began to recover. I've also began reading a book my friend gave me, Hope for the Heart. It too is restoring my hope. Lastly, my friend took me for my treatment yesterday & pampered me as only she can do. She knew my heart was hurting, & she listened to my sadness (all day long). The best moment was when the thunder clapped while we were shopping. The power went off for a few seconds, & all kinds of things crashed to the floor on the upper level. I was about 4 feet away from my friend, & I suddenly felt like we were miles apart, separated by darkness.