I will never be normal again.

My husband & I took a walk this evening & cleared our heads. This has been a long week filled with unending doctor appointments. The good news is... I've not been hit with anything unexpected. Tomorrow I see my plastic surgeon & more decisions will have to be made in the near future. However, these are not decisions that could make or break my life. There's no wrong or right. It's just personal.

So... I 've been on the internet looking for pictures of women that have been through this journey. In looking at their outcomes, I've come to a few conclusions. I will never look like I used to, & I will never be normal again. Back when I was facing my surgery decision, I struggled deeply because I could see the writing on the walls.

As always, I would rather deal in reality & know the truth as I make my decisions. Right now, I feel secure enough in the Lord, that I am okay with whatever I decide. My expectations are not particularly high. My frame of mind is such that it doesn't hurt to try, but I don't expect to achieve normalcy. That just isn't going to happen.

I think I did my grieving during the first stage of my treatment, back when I was having chemo & trying to make an overwhelming decision. Since then, I have grieved, but not really over my body as much as over my life. I know that I am a whole person with or without all of myself or myself as I used to be. I also feel as though I have much life ahead of me, & that is where my focus needs to be.

My friend looked at me a few weeks ago & said, "This has affected every facet of your life, hasn't it?" I nodded my head in agreement, & I could only think... if you only knew. Even if I had the words to adequately explain the changes in my life, it would be inappropriate. As I've said before, it's all a mixed bag, & nobody even knows the permanence of some of these changes.

For instance, my neuropathy may or may not improve. My brain may regain its processing abilities, or it may not. The list goes on, & I'm learning to live with the new me. God has impressed upon my heart that my worth does not depend on my old self. It is my honor to walk this walk, trying to reflect Him, regardless of my outcomes, both big & small. My faith cannot depend on the restoration of my body.