meltdown

Today I had a much needed meltdown. It was a Godsend because it cleansed my head of this terrible cold. I believe there is healing in crying, & I think I was in need of some healing. My tears fell on the shoulder of my youngest daughter. I feel so bad she had to be the recipient, but I have no doubt that she is God's provision for me during this very stressful time.

When I think back to how my radiation was delayed, I can now only be thankful. I don't think I would have survived these last few weeks physically or emotionally without my own personal angel. Today, I finally crumbled, & she calmly drove down the highway as I wept. My words were heartfelt & filled with anguish. Her's were heartfelt too, but filled with comfort.

Sometimes, plummeting to the bottom of your barrel is a good thing, because the only way out, is up. I don't know how long my head will stay out of the barrel, but at least for now, it's peeking over the rim. I am ready for my skin to heal, to stop oozing, & to be able to wear my summer clothes. I am ready to be off pain medicine & to drive again. I am ready to get some exercise. I am ready to feel human.

Friends don't recognize me. I can't help but say it's strange when your friends grasp for a name as they try to figure out who you are. Sometimes, if you are in a hurry, it's convenient. I can go almost anywhere in town unnoticed if I chose. If I don't look people in the eye & smile, they generally don't see me. It's like having a permanent disguise.

People have begun to ask me what is next? Truth is, I have no idea. I don't know of any big plans for monitoring me, but I'm sure I will be examined regularly for a few years & have blood work. I'm forever done with mammograms since I had a double mastectomy. I won't miss them! I have Herceptin treatments through October, & I will take my clinical trial drug & tamoxifen for 5 years. Other than that, I guess it's back to living life, although I don't really know what that will mean. Life has forever changed for me; I will never be the same. My faith has more depth, & my perspective is different. When I look back a year, I shudder at the things that have happened to me. When I look forward a year, I'm paralyzed. Just being honest, it's hard to take the next step.