I can't.

Richard Bach wrote Jonathan Livingston Seagull. He is credited for this quote: "Listen to what you know instead of what you fear." Truthfully, I've never read his well known book about a seagull who flew just for the love of flying. However, I ran into his quote, & I had to know who he was. His quote presents a challenge which I believe takes discipline I need to achieve.

Fear is an emotion, an unpleasant feeling which senses danger. Today, as I was headed to the hospital for my radiation, I was patting my own back. I thought maybe I had finally learned a lesson I feel God is trying to teach me. It has to do with fear. I sense that He wants me to depend more fully on Him & let go of my fears. So... when last Friday, I noticed I had sprouted a new little bump, I told myself not to worry.

Saturday night I awakened in the middle of the night & resolved that the only thing to do was to have it checked. This decision gave me peace. I decided to once again face my fear & seek the truth. I told myself that the worst thing I could be told is that it is cancerous. My response: I already have cancer. I needn't fear the "little c" (Christ being the Big C).

Also, if I haven't learned anything else from this journey, I have learned to face my fears, & on a more specific note, to have my lumps & bumps examined (not that I've ever ignored them).  So... as I approached the changing room, I was suddenly overcome with a creeping fear. My heart was racing, my body trembling. Fear was again gripping my body. I hate this out-of-control, nothing-I-can-do-about-it, all-out fear!

I did the only thing I could. I took a deep breath & conversed in my mind, telling myself ... at least I would find out what was next. The nurse took a look. She was sure it wasn't cancer related. Relief! I had my radiation treatment. Then, to the exam room I went. The good Dr took a peek. He too believes it's unrelated to cancer, probably a result of my reconstruction. Again, relief!

Tomorrow, I will see my plastic surgeon & hear his diagnosis & see if something needs to be done about it. Tomorrow, someone I care deeply about is undergoing a procedure that is overwhelming to her. I want to be with her. I can't. I have to have radiation. I have to face my fears & not be there to help her face her fears. It is my job to be there, & I can't.