Monday, April 23, 2012

Second guessing the day...

Deciding to live transparently is a challenge to say the least. It's easy to get wrapped up in the response of others & shy away. If I write a blog & don't print it immediately, I usually don't print it at all because I second guess my words. I feel as though God is leading me to share my life, but I don't really know why. I also feel the burden of not sharing anything that isn't God honoring.

And... of course, I think it's important that I share my own thoughts, not the thoughts of my loved ones. It's not my place, so I do all I can to protect their privacy & not embarrass them. I'm trying to let this transparency seep into every part of my life unless it's inappropriate. Today, my dear friend accompanied me to a full day of treatments & appointments. I invited her to sit in on my appointments & be a part of this journey.

She was privy to my height, weight, blood pressure, scars, questions, concerns... She met my oncologist & my radiology oncologist. She has so much going on in her life, I am honored she would spend the day with me, accompanying me to all my medical appointments. But now... I am second guessing the day. I am wondering what I have left to offer a friendship. I am thinking about the fun she can have with other friends, & wondering why she would even want to spend the day with me.

I feel it's important to be honest with her & share my deepest thoughts because that is the kind of friendship we have. That is what we have always done. But... now, things in my life aren't so enjoyable. I know she would give her left arm for me, the shirt off her back. However, I don't feel it's right to let her give so much.

Yes... if the shoes were reversed, I would want to be there for her. I would do all I could. I feel God has called me to write this blog & to be transparent (both in writing & in my relationships). So why do I feel guilty for sharing the deepest part of my journey with her? Sometimes, I question the very words I publish. As with the rest of my journey, I just have to trust in the calling & remain faithful (even if I don't have the whole picture).

2 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday, Susie! Happy 50th birthday. This is Robin Jeffries Ames' sister, Sheila. Yesterday Robin shared your news and this blog with me. I read ALL your posts and loved them! Thank you for sharing this journey.

    Reading all your posts, so many things went through my head; this thought is loudest. God created this relationship universe---we are created to have relationship with Him, with each other, with His creation--and gave you the best gift of all: love for all of us, love for relationship with others. You knew this, were gifted this, even as a young girl. Have a happy birthday!

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  2. Thank you, Sheila, I am truly touched by your words.

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