Why?

Yesterday I witnessed the cycle repeating itself. As I sat in my cubicle waiting for my radiation, I couldn't help but hear a woman asking my questions. The strange thing is... they were now her questions. I heard things like, "My husband & I were thinking..." She was having second thoughts about her treatment. Her plastic surgeon recommended one thing & her radiologist something different. Some of her cancer's traits were similar to mine: some were different. Her surgery was lesser, & I don't know if her lymph nodes were involved.

She was holding together better than I did. In fact, she seemed as if  her emotions were dulled. The nurse  was kindly answering her questions, also with very little emotion. It's a strange twist to hear someone else sitting in your shoes, asking your questions, going through your emotions, & navigating your journey. It's a sad feeling. It's empty because there is little you can do to help, even though you are sitting in the same place.

Before I knew it, she was whisked off for a scan. I marveled at how the cycle continues. The same questions are routinely asked by the one who's life is at stake. The people on the other side of the fence answer the questions as best they can. They don't have a crystal ball, & with all of the uncertainties, the journey will certainly have its ups & downs. They also know that they are not immune to being stricken with an illness that would turn their own world upside down. No one is.

Tonight, I finally summoned up the courage to ask my husband, "Why?" His answer, "Because God has people to reach through this journey." My response, "Really, you really think so?" In truth, he doesn't know, but that is his thought at this moment. I'm pleased with his answer. If God can touch a heart through my journey, it's worth every step (painful or not). If one soul moves closer to the doors of Heaven through my journey,  I will gladly walk it.

On the flip side, I read back over a few of my early blogs. They seem lame to me. I told my husband my next blog would be entitled "Lame" to apologize for my lameness. He just chuckled. Again, I can only trust God to use His mighty hand to touch the hearts of others. I am His, & I am honored to be used in this way, if that is truly the case.