Down

Todays blog is down trodden. I am wondering if my mind is where it's at so that others will see how human I really am. Yesterday's filming session for radiation was close to unbearable. It took over an hour because of my complexity. By the time we were finished, I couldn't move my arms. Being still is hard for me because of a problem I have with the lining of my nerves. That aside, I think it would have been difficult for anyone.

The only instructions you are given are about how vitally important it is that you be still. Repeatedly, you are told that you only have a few more minutes. As my filming progressed, I lost all concept of time. I only knew by the end that I was unable to continue. However, we were finished. I had tears in my eyes and in my heart. Being still for that long is painful in 2 ways, physically & emotionally.

What does one do with her mind while being still? Last time I sang 2 songs over & over. This time, I guess I just thought about the process. If it weren't my body lying in that uncomfortable somewhat degrading position, I might actually find it fascinating. It's probably nothing short of miraculous.

We went to get some dinner afterwards. I wasn't hungry but I ate as if there were no tomorrow. I also cried with every few bites. I have a new empathy for people that withstand tortuous situations. I can't begin to imagine how they fight it both physically & emotionally. Mine only lasted an hour. Others go through painful situations for years. There is no comparison.

Today I cry every time I think about yesterday's experience. I know it will get easier because I am told the actual radiation sessions will be much shorter. I can only hope. I'm wondering what God is trying to show me through all of this. Am I missing something? I am searching my heart for any unknown evil, maybe there is something in my life I need to face?