Today I was thinking about my blog. Over the weekend, my girls teased me, & I think each of them asked me at least once, "Are you going to blog about this?" It just came up randomly unbeknownst to each of them that the others had asked the same question. I questioned each of them, trying to gage how my blog makes them feel. After all, frequently I mention them or worry that my thoughts may be disconcerting to them.
As those that follow my blog may remember, my original intent was to write this blog for my daughters. I wanted them to have a tangible piece of my heart. Since then, it has taken a few twists. It is still for them, but it seems to be for others too. I am not quite sure of the how or the why, I just blog as I feel lead. Having cancer seems to catch the interest of others. Prior to having cancer (& even now), I too am interested in CaringBridge pages & the blogs of friends who are going through difficult circumstances.
It provides a way for me to know what they are experiencing & to know how to pray for them. Sometimes, what I read troubles me deeply, because their struggles involve children. Also their helplessness is painful. Always, their illnesses are out of their control & in the hands of their medical team & God. The common thread of fight & surrender is ever-present.
I did not originally intend to include my faith in so much of my blog. However, it is such an integral part of my journey & my life, I cannot shortchange it. It defines me, & I am thankful it does. I have had people tell me not to let my cancer define me. Truth is... it does. I cannot pretend it doesn't. It has permeated every facet of my life. I don't think I take a breath apart from the knowledge that I have cancer.
I also don't breathe, I don't inhale or exhale, without the knowledge that I belong to Christ. My identity is wrapped in Christ, & the fact that I have cancer has everything to do with my faith journey. I believe there is a reason for my cancer, & part of it is, what I share in this blog. I believe I am to be an open book so that others will see Him in me & want Him. I'm just being honest here. I don't believe in deceit.
I try to share my life, my ups & my downs. I try to share my feelings about my journey & how it is effected by my faith. In 2 days, I will begin a new phase in this journey: radiation. I am told it will take it's toll. I am scared. My prayer is that God will keep me company throughout each treatment, that I will sense His presence. As long as I know He is holding me, I will be okay.
Susie, I am one of those as you know that follow's your blog. I appreciate every word. I read and know how far you have come from the start of your journey. I will be praying along with many others as the next phase begins. I will be imagining as you shared here, God's strong arms, and gentle hands holding you when the fear tries to take over. I hope you can picture, all the many faces, of all the friends and family, the old, and the new, lifting you up in prayer. We will, in some way, be right there with you.
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