vulnerable...

I've been thinking a lot about vulnerability lately. It's meaning: open to assault, capable of being attacked, susceptible to injury or disease, wide open, unprotected... This word could be used to describe a military state, one's status in society, or the condition of one's body. It seems to me a person can bring this on himself. Sometimes we are victims of vulnerability because of our social status. We can cause ourselves to be vulnerable by our actions. Lastly, it can happen through injury or disease. So many levels in which to consider the meaning of this word.  And... of course, emotionally too.

Some people believe that being vulnerable is empowering. I haven't really studied up on this, but I have a few hunches. I think with the realization that we are vulnerable comes extreme fear, at least at first. Being exposed in front of others is a tenuous place to be. Perhaps it's empowering when it's a choice. When we chose to be naked (in a sense) before others, it can be very freeing. When being vulnerable is imposed upon us, I believe it's how we react that will either empower us or cause us to fall, to shrivel up, & die.

We've all had that feeling where we wish we could crawl in a hole & die. It's usually a result of embarrassment, hurt, or fear. We've become vulnerable, & we are scared. Maybe we've just realized our vulnerability or admitted it, even though it was always there. Perhaps we avoided facing it. Pride sometimes makes a good cover up, at least temporarily. Some people seem to avoid their vulnerability to the end, & as they are on their way to prison, their crime can no longer be rationalized.

We are all vulnerable. That's the truth. A new boss can move in, & we lose our sense of respect. A new kid on the block rearranges the pecking order in the neighborhood. We are upstaged by a new talent. We become bankrupt. We make a mistake. We are diagnosed with a disease. We have a terrible accident. Our best friend trades us in for another. Our lies are uncovered. Our mate has a midlife crisis & leaves. We lose our job. We feel betrayed. Perhaps we betrayed another & have to face our own ugliness. Our body ages. Our success is fleeting. That one thing we thought we needed has left us empty.

In the last 9 months of life, I have become vulnerable in every way, & not by choice. My body is open to assault, being ravaged by cancer & its treatments (which tend to be worse than the disease itself). I've become limited in what I can do. This may only be for a season; time will tell. I haven't been able to give to others the way I love to give. In fact, just the opposite has occurred. I'v been the recipient of much kindness. Some of my relationships have suffered, while others have new depth & meaning. I feel most exposed on the radiation table. It's a daily helpless position (& a bit degrading too). I've wrestled emotionally with my fears (over & over again), & I always come back to that one thing: God has the whole picture, & I can only trust in Him. Admitting my vulnerability brings me down to the lowest rung on the ladder, or maybe even to the floor. And... for some strange reason, I find peace there, in the truth.