Saturday, April 28, 2012

My Paradox

Unexpected excitement is in the air! The Race for the Cure is only 2 weeks away. My pink shirt finally came in the mail on Wednesday. I couldn't wait to see it, to try it on. It is beautiful, a perfect shade of pink & a sweet design. It fits. I took it straight to the Sporting Goods store to have my team name put on the back. Now, it will be complete.

I can't help but marvel at how a paradox is being played out in my head & in my life. Since I was a young mother, I have participated in The Race for the Cure (almost routinely until recently). A dear friend & I  even took a group of girls & adopted grandmas many of those years. It was a little mission group at church. We always had coffee cake at the end. It was very meaningful.

The Race is always the day before Mother's Day in Peoria. My first memory of The Race was reading about it in the paper on Mother's Day. I was a very young mother. I remember reading the stories of so many of the survivors & having an overwhelming lump in my throat. Watching the news on TV & seeing all of the pink hats was too much for me. It was always hard for me to deal with my emotions on this special day. There was the year (10 years ago), I walked the race in awful weather & became terribly ill the next day (on Mother's Day). This was the onset of a disease I would have to learn to live with, but it would take 5 months to get a diagnosis.

So each each year, on this special Saturday, I would wake my 3 little girls up very early. They would put on their Race for the Cure shirt, which looked more like  night shirts on their small bodies. We would meet with our little mission group at the church, have a prayer, & off we would go to the big crowd. Having the adopted Grandmas was such a bonus. Not only did they make it more meaningful, they each took the hand of a little girl & kept her safe.

Each year, I honestly dreaded this day. Breast cancer has always been on my list of greatest fears. Seeing all of those courageous survivors, covering a wide age span, just killed me. As I've said before, especially the young mothers. It's just too much to bear, thinking of children losing their mamas. I can't reconcile this under any circumstances. I just can't. Seeing the signs on the backs of shirts stirs my heart beyond words. People typically display the name(s) of who they are remembering or honoring in their walk. Sometimes it's a first name. Sometimes it says Mommy, Friend, Sister, Daughter, Aunt .... Whatever it says, the meaning behind those few words says it all.

This year, a team gathers in my name. I'm in disbelief on more than one count. #1  I have cancer. #2  A team is gathering for me. I love that it has men on it. I don't know why, but I feel doubly honored by the men who are taking time to honor me in this way. I am also doubly honored by the men who read my blog. I don't know quite why; I just am. I am also thankful I will have my husband & my 3 daughters by my side for this event. My girl's shirts will no longer be the length of nightshirts because they have grown into caring young women. They stand by my side & walk this journey with me.

Instead of leading a group with my dear friend, a group is being formed for me. Instead of dreading it, I am so excited about it, I can hardly wait. Yes, I will probably be overcome with emotion on the morning of The Race. It will likely strike a chord in my heart so deep, I will have no words to describe the experience. My family & my friends will be with me, walking this journey together.

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