my next step...

Things have been a bit of a whirlwind lately. I've still not heard from the radiologist oncologist. I'm not a good waiter; I never have been. My husband says I should enjoy each day & just wait. I have no choice about the waiting, but I do have a choice about enjoying each day. I am walking in new territory: living life to the full with unwanted uncertainties. One of my greatest joys has been my birthday gift from my husband. In case you are not up to date, he gave me Bella (a cat) for my fiftieth. She serves as a constant  reminder of his steadfast love. After all, we had agreed we were done with cats!

I've had a few meltdowns lately. They've been in doctors' offices & somewhat uncontrollable. The tears just seem to flow no matter how hard I try to maintain my composure. This up & down journey is sometimes more than I can handle. A good cry is always healing. I thank God for understanding doctors who care.  It seems as though I am forever encountering new information about myself. It's not that I've had any new tests; it's just details I somehow missed along the way.

It doesn't really matter if these details are fresh or were a part of the picture from the start. When I hear something that is new to me, it brings me back to my original blog, The Day My Life Changed. I am suddenly flooded with emotion so deep, I can't begin to process it. Sometimes, I'm afraid I'm overreacting. I think the numbness is wearing off as the reality takes hold.

Every now & then, a statement is made which catches me by surprise. I don't even know what to do with the words I just heard. Recently, I was told that the radiation will give me a few more years. I don't know what this means, a few years from when? When does my few more years begin? In the same breath, I was told I am not dying. I don't know how to put those 2 statements together & make sense of them.

As I learn new things about myself, I always come back to my original message from God. I was asked at my healing service if I had received a message from God about my healing. My answer was I will be healed this side of Heaven or the other. That is a certainty. I believe it is part of my journey not to know my earthly outcome. I don't think I'm supposed to have that sense (whether false or not) of security. I think it's time for me to depend on God & accept that reality. I need to do my part, but depending more completely on Him is the next step in my journey of faith.

My next step does not mean I will or I won't beat this cancer. Truly, I believe I have many years ahead of me. I want to have a part in the lives of my future grandchildren. My husband needs a wife. He needs me. My daughters still need a mother. They are young adults & my opinion seems to matter more than ever to them. I need to live each moment to the fullest regardless of the news that comes my way. Yes, I am human, & I have to process it, but then I have to go back to the truth. I have to depend more completely on God.